i cant sleep for fucks sake. i hate being this way at this time of hour.

she messaged me on wednesday or thursday saying that our trip is this weekend. which i was thinking about ever since she called me in the start of the month. i held my stand and didnt let her push me around. she said she was not pushing me, on going. but she did it indirectly which was totally ... out of this world. i talked to sy before making my finaly decision. asking him for advice. he asked me to stand up for myself and if he was me, he would say no, but it was totally up to me for my final decision. so i decided not to go. but guess what happens NOW. i cant stop thinking about it. i dont know why i cant and i keep dreaming about the past when i try to fall asleep. this is going overboard as i cant take it any longer. sooner or later i am going to explode. i told myself that i will not bother about her anymore. but look at me now ... it is still coming back. it is still killing me slowly. this is insane. i am going insane of this. i just wished i'd rewind time and never come to kl.

this holidays might just be the most boring holiday i would have ever gotten. well, nothing beats the holiday i had last term after my breakup. but this comes second. the fact that i cant do anything. the fact that i am driving myself insane over a small matter. i cant take it any longer.

i cant stop thinking about her. she is constantly in my mind. why? i dont know why...i wish i knew so i'd try to reverse it. but unfortunately i am stupid. very stupid. probably the most stupid human being there is. i cant take it any longer.

i cant take it any longer ... i cant ... i cant.

rick.